a l o n e

I don’t want to be so alone anymore. I don’t want my happiness to keep depending on everyone around me. I want my own identity, my own emotions, my own self.

I want control of my life, I want control of my happiness.

I’m tired of everyone leaving. They always fucking do. Nobody stays for very long, once they see how stupidly annoying I am. Once I’m attached, and clingy, and want to be a friend…..my way of affection is too much I guess.

I’m just tired of being alone and left behind. I don’t want to keep chasing some sort of empty happiness. If that even makes sense, I don’t know anymore…. I don’t want to give up, I want my happiness…..but its getting really fucking hard, and I don’t know just how much more emptiness I can handle…

Wrong

It’s all wrong it’s all fucking wrong, everything.

I’ll never be proper, I’ll never be good. I’ll never just be right.

What’s wrong? I don’t know, I don’t know! Just everything. How do I start fresh, anew. How do I restart, how do I rid myself of this panic……

Bad or good or bad or good or……

I thought things were good. I thought things were really good. But I’m also thinking I’m getting bad again…. I just don’t know if I’m up or down or what even anymore. And I’m scared. Terrified. What if things are worse than I thought….

I’m picking my nails again. They feel weird and wrong and they bother me. I want to just rip them off and have new nails, good nails. Correct nails. What the fuck even is “correct nails”? I’ve dreamed of long pretty nails, forever since I was young. I thought I kicked this nail biting habit. But I’m picking them, I’m biting off the weird frayed bits, I’m peeling them, I’m just having them in my mouth. It’s disgusting, I want to stop it. But I’m disgusting….so maybe I just will never kick disgusting habits.

I’m pulling my eyelashes again. A stress habit, a nervous habit, an anxiety habit. It’s been a while. And I’m not yet pulling them out in huge amounts, but……its only a matter of time before that’s a thing again. Small bald patches, it’s weird and ugly. But it seems fitting maybe, I dont know. Weird and ugly things for a weird and ugly thing. I have the double eyelash row gene, and shouldn’t it be pretty, shouldn’t they be thick and long and lovely? Instead they sometimes curl downward and poke my eye and hurt me, and feel like they’re growing weird and ugly.

One time I read something about how someone accidentally ripped their eyelashes out with a curler. It still makes me cringe a little, because ouch. But same time, theres a little glimmer of…..maybe I’ll “accidentally” do it, and I’ll have to start again with new baby eye lashes. How wonderful. I can maybe try to not have them turn downwards again……. but they turn downwards because I bend them I think, when I play with them. It’s my own fault I guess. I don’t know. But no matter what, it’s still gonna be weird and ugly, and me….

This next section, trigger warning I guess? Though no one reads anyways I think so. It doesn’t matter. I don’t know. It’s for me mostly but. Who knows. I dont. I guess maybe next couple sections. Stop reading here maybe.

I haven’t cut myself in 4 years. I promised two people I wouldn’t, and I didn’t. One, he’s gone I guess. And that’s good. One less person to disappoint if I do?

And I probably won’t, but sometimes I want to. Just a little. I miss the marks I miss the hurt. I even kinda fucking miss the little blood. It feels weird to admit it, it feels almost wrong. But at least physical pain is a……pain that feels ok?

I feel like I’m only shallowly happy, in a way. Like I’m faking any happy feelings. They feel temporary, and I’m chasing them. Like chasing a high? I’ve never been an addict, or closely known an addict (during their addiction) so I’m not certain of the feeling. But I just……I want an escape so bad, even just for a moment. To not be myself, to not have these thoughts, to stop being alone with these thoughts. And I know I’m bad again. Even though I’m doing the right things, I’m doing the self care and the functioning and all the things you need to do, working and activities and being kinda social even.

But I guess that means it’s worse, it’s so much worse……

Fuck

I want to drop everything and run, just fucking run.

But what happens when I want to run from that life too?

I feel overwhelmed in my emotions, and not necessarily good emotions. I’m bottling things up and just trying to throw out the positive, the happy, the good. When I just want to scream, and fight, and……

Isolation

It hits differently when you have to do it. When there’s really no other option.

I isolate normally. I socialize in a comfortable capacity: online, over text, voice/video chats, forums, Facebook. Where I can control how much socializing I do, where I can control how close or far I am from people. Where I can be mostly by myself. But I have the option of leaving my apartment, of being around people even if we don’t interact.

This sucks. I’m alone, I’m fucking alone. It hits so fucking hard during this time. My love is across the fucking world, sleeping as I type this. (Would I change things and be with someone closer instead? Not a fucking chance. One day he’ll be closer, I can wait.) I see everyone else quarantined with family, with their loved ones and partners. I live alone, with pets but alone. It’s taking a massive toll on me, on my mental health, on my sanity…

At least I have Animal Crossing though.

My mental crisis is that I don’t really have a mental crisis right now…

I’ve been trying to come up with words to post for a while now. It feels like, I’m not really having a crisis but my brain is in crisis mode. Everything is, mostly ok.

I’m mostly happy. But something in the back of my mind is just…. swirling. Unsettling. I can’t help feeling that something’s off, I’m doing something wrong, something bad is going to happen.

This mask is slipping, and I can’t hold it up and keep going.

It’s Valentine’s Day I guess

I think last year we went out for dinner. I was falling out of love. I think he might have been too. I dont remember it being a bad night, but it feels like it was much longer than a year ago. That whole me feels so much further away.

This year I’m alone. But I’m not really alone. I feel more loved than I ever have been before. I’m happy. I am really happy. And it’s not that I wasn’t happy before. I was. It was just…..I don’t know. An unstable happy. It was an unsure happy. But its different. Everything feels different now.

Love is something strange. If you had told me even a year ago, that I’d find so much love, in many people around the world… I probably would have laughed. Sure I had internet friends. But until more recently, I didnt really think that it was all “real.” Because why would someone open themselves up to hurt from thousands, millions of people? Can you really care for pictures, words on a screen?

Turns out yes. I absolutely adore them. They make my days better. I smile at nothing, just the thought of them. I can turn to them in sadness and need, and not feel rejection. Not that my local friends make me feel rejection. But it makes these far away beings feel so close, so real. I feel validated.

This such a weird ramble, I’m sorry to those reading. It took my mind to places.

Forgiveness and Peace

I forgive you for leaving. I didn’t see why, way back when, but you needed to. You made her stronger for her children, for herself. I guess I even forgive you for the things you did, you were hurting. And in your own way, you needed to get it out

If you hadn’t met her, I wouldn’t be around. And who knows what would have happened had you stayed together. The two of you were good for something, but not for a long thing. Just a shame, you had to hurt the last two people you should hurt. The innocents, who grew up always wondering if they truly were not the problem.

Words don’t hurt, sure. But they’re sticky. Clingy. Nasty

I forgive you. It’s taken me some time, a lot of hurt. But I….contrary to things I’ve said in the past, I forgive you. I grew from there, from those words, from the pain. I forgive you for leaving. We were so great while we lasted, but I guess we weren’t made for a long time. I still wish someone hurts you this bad before you can move on and be happy.

I followed your social media again, and you accepted without a word. You’ve been following me since the first time, likely unaware I needed a break from you until now. Thanks for not messaging me to ask.

I long to be a kind person, at peace with the past so I can build a better future. It’s not easy. So much has happened. Things I don’t easily open up about. Things I’m scared to open up about. I’ve made some shitty decisions, mistakes, bullshit.

So I’m starting by forgiving, but I will not forget.