Deleted my old post, because I wanted to actually write up that happy post I said I was going to make.
New is scary to me. New gives me horrible anxiety. But new also is giving me hope and happiness.
I promised I would write up a happy positive post after something that I was really looking forward to happened, a couple weeks ago. And it happened, and it was so great. I had a date. We’d been talking for some time, and as soon as I met him it just felt so right. I was nervous as hell, I think I was smiling like an idiot the whole time. It was probably the nicest day I’d had in quite a while, and I did not want it to end ever. But, now we’re dating so. 🙂
I’m still incredibly nervous. New is scary. I like what I know; routine, safety. I’m scared to put my vulnerabilities out there again. To really open up. People either leave because it’s too much, or they just turn my traumas and vulnerability against me. Like I’m choosing it, to be this way, to have these things happen to me.
But this new is also exciting. I think I realized how….safe this feels last weekend, laying with him in bed. I think he knew of my recent self-harm, pretty sure he read the post i made about it. He ran his hand over it, and if it wasn’t obvious by touch, I froze and stopped breathing for a moment. But he did not say a word, or give any indication that he was even thinking about it. His hand did not pause, even for a second, he didn’t ask, or say a word. Every time he ran his hand over the marks, I waited for something. Anything. Disappointment, disgust, questions. But nothing. I know he had to have even seen them, we’d been naked in the light. It was just……nice. No judgement, nothing. And of course, I haven’t done it since so that feeling of needing to hurt must be gone. Time to heal.
Gross, I think I’m falling in love.