So much can happen in a year. 52 weeks. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. Thanks Rent, for that knowledge.
It’s so fucking weird to think about. A whole fucking year. I’ve been wanting to make a year post for some time now but I’ve been struggling to come up with the words, to organize my thoughts for this post. But today is the day, I guess.
2020 was long, difficult. So much happened, and its going to take me a lifetime to process it all. And 2021 doesn’t seem to be all that much better so far. Its hard to believe that its almost March already. I’m trying to keep everything up and happy, but its getting increasingly difficult. I can’t keep up a happy charade, that I’m dealing and managing. I want to just throw things and scream. But, I can’t.
I guess first. I found a better me. I grew so much in this last year, these last 2 years actually. I left a shitty relationship and became someone new. I’m not the best me, but I’m getting better everyday, even with my setbacks. I’m no longer Lukas, that name is tied to the past, to many things I want to leave in the past. I’m Maxx, and I’m amazing. Or trying to be amazing. I’m a new person, with a new name. A better person. Named Maxx.
Second, I’ve strengthened friendships and made amazing new friends too. Especially in the past month. It feels so weird though. A lot of these are online interactions, but they feel more genuine, stronger, better than past in person friends I’ve had. More supportive, caring, just amazing. But its weird having people care about me, and I can’t explain why. I’ve had people care my whole life, but a lot of friends I’ve had…..just leave. Vanish. Stop being friends with me. To the point where I stop trying. But, these friends…..they keep coming back. They keep trying. Fucking weird. Why??
It’s so weird to think of who I’ve lost. I’m in disbelief still, I don’t think I can ever accept that you’re gone. My aunt, who won’t get to see her 7th grandchild’s birth, her other grandchildren grow up. Tam, taken way too young, before I could go meet her, who won’t get to see the wonderful girls her babies will grow up to be. Fuck cancer. I love you both and everyone else I’ve lost to cancer. Now that I’m grown up, I’m donating to cancer research every chance I get, I’ve made up my mind.
So I guess this post has just been a whirlwind of ideas, tangents, incoherent? And very not cohesive. I’m never really cohesive, my mind is a mess. One idea to the next, suddenly. Impulsively. Rapidly. Parkour!